The Art of Bum Fashion
A great shift has occurred in the modern world. Women have gradually come to have high expectations of men when it comes to grooming. Sometimes I scan my bathroom counter and am amazed by all the cosmetics products that have slowly accumulated: facial scrubs, men’s scented body lotion, hair styling gel, etc.. These high-expectations have caught by many fellows by surprise, especially those who are used to scrounging through their hamper for their favorite faded T-shirt and slipping into a pair of tattered sandals. No longer are these rules applicable. In fact, it is perfectly fine for a woman to wear skin-tight leggings and hoodies in public, but men are held to higher standards these days. Imagine yourself at sifting through the produce at your local market and suddenly the woman of your dreams walks by. Despite what the movies tell us, people do judge books by their cover, and that Yves St. Laurent jacket you emptied your bank account for or your black leather Giuseppe sneakers still fresh in the shoebox will be invisible in light of your disheveled, just-got-out-of-bed look. But men are great beings; descendants of tribal leaders. In times of conflict, we rise above and conquer. Here are a few tips to guide you in your noble quest to master the fine art of bum fashion.
Head
First off, it’s no secret that shampoo and conditioner should be a regular staple in your daily routine. But I’m going to keep the scope of this article strictly on garments. I
know it’s tempting to wear that same raggedy baseball cap that you’ve been wearing since middle school when you are out running simple errands, but you are no longer a child. The wool beanie is one of the most versatile fashion accessories, because if you pick the right one, you can pretty much wear it with anything. Personally, I feel that a little wool goes along way. Don’t be tempted by a swirling mass of varying colors and textures when it comes to beanies. Keep the pattern simple as well as the color (gray and black work just fine). A couple other things to keep in mind: Regardless of what anyone tells you, do not wear anything that looks like a beanie-visor lovechild. This rarely looks good on any human being, and most often you must be very famous to pull off the look (and sometimes not even then). Make sure to stray away from over-the-top logos as well. We all love our comic-book heroes, but there is nothing appealing about a bright blue beanie with a humongous red Superman logo.
Shoulders
Pay close attention, because the subject I am discussing next has by far the biggest potential for error. This may sound harsh, but if you are a grown man, there is simply no reason to wear cheap novelty shirts in any venue besides the dark sectors of a cave in the Middle East. Duck Dynasty is a funny series, but there are other ways to show your appreciation than to walk around in public with a shirt laced with bold print that screams “I’m Fixin’ To Go Crazy Red Neck Up In Here.” In fact, your T-shirts should never really have corny catch-phrases at all. Become very familiar with the “V-Shirt” instead. The V-Neck shirt is just about the most comfortable shirt known to man, and is the equivalent of the ‘innocent’ leggings that mostly women wear. Not only can you show off the hard-earned
results of your gym devotion, but do so without looking as if you are trying too hard. You can pick up quality V-Neck shirts from just about any chain or online store that sells clothing, so if you are budgeting to save up for a new pair of Air Jordans, look no further than your favorite shopping mall in the meantime.
Knees
I’m going to say something shocking here. Sweatpants are ok to wear if the other elements of this article are mastered. As long as you don’t baggy wear sweatpants with holes in
them this infamous fashion garment will go largely unnoticed in the bummy grand scheme of things. Most often times, as in the case of the beanie, dark colors are usually the best choice, and highlighter yellow is the absolute no-choice. However, make sure you buy your sweatpants from a legitimate retailer. It’s great that you can go to Wal-Mart and pick up a pair of sweatpants for $5 or something, but not great that the fabric is so fragile that even the slightest shift or turn can cause the pants to rupture. Obviously, this is not a good scenario to be caught in while in public. You do not have to purchase a pair of sweats custom designed by Giorgio Armani himself, but be reasonable as well.
Toes
If you have kept up with the world of fashion in the last 5 years or so you have already noticed that most clothing lines are already dedicated to aid men in their bum fashion efforts. Or maybe, the CEOs of these companies are just tired of looking at men’s feet. There are a host of options when it comes to what shoes you can wear in your daily errand runs, so there are no excuses to wear Crocs anymore. Loafers and boat shoes have made a huge
comeback, and most of the great shoe lines have a range of inexpensive styles to choose from. Plus, slippers made popular by the Sperry’s line and others are a perfect compliment to a well-thought out bum outfit. If those aren’t your style, the running shoe never has an expiration date in terms of fashion relevance, so feel free to wear your most comfortable running shoes when you are on the run.
