Love and romance are more of an art than a science. Sure, there’s the biological factor- the innate drive to propagate the species that has prevented us from going extinct out of pure apathy, but YOU sure as heck won’t be propagating anytime soon if you open up to your crush with THAT explanation. She’ll run away from you faster than I do from a bad hand in an EasyBet Casino game
Much of the anxiety around modern courtship lies in fear of being rejected. Shy, introverted guys have a hard time discerning between when girls are interested or when they’re just being friendly. It doesn’t help that a guy’s life can be screwed completely if he misreads the situation and tries to make an unwanted advance. Well, THAT’S its own can of worms- but I can give you a guideline of signs you should look out for to see if she’s interested.
However, before we get into what you should be looking out for, here are some things that do NOT mean she’s interested. None of these means that she isn’t interested, but just because she acts in any of the following ways doesn’t mean she is.
General politeness and friendliness. While I think that the INCEL community online deserves more sympathy than it gets, there is a limit. One of those is that just because you’re polite to her, and she’s polite back, does not mean that any kind of relationship is going to form. This is doubly true for women working a customer service job, such as a waitress or a cashier. Just because she smiled and acted chipper does not mean she’s interested. She’s being paid to be friendly.
Also, you are just as vital a part of this equation as she is. Your lack of success may not be because you’re “playing the game wrong” or anything like that. If you ask out ten, fifteen, twenty women, and they all say no, then the problem isn’t them. It’s you.
It means that you need to work on yourself. This can be as small as dressing better, combing your hair, or even cleaning your own house. Hit the gym and/or diet. Explore hobbies. Join a club.
It may be something more fundamental, however. You could have a “toxic” personality (which the current buzzword for saying that you’re an assh*le). You might have anger issues or some other unlikable attribute that’ll be a lot harder to change than losing twenty pounds. You need to be able to look at yourself objectively and try to imagine how your ideal self would differ from what you are now. Taking responsibility for yourself will do wonders to your own character, and even if it doesn’t get you the girl, you’ll be a better person regardless.
However, you don’t have to be perfect. Just because you are a bit overweight doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask her out. You have acne. You have pimples. Whatever it is that you dislike about yourself should not hold you back from taking risks and chances and (hopefully) the payoff of a beautiful, loving girlfriend.
1. Come Hither Eyes
The eyes are some of the most important parts of the human face, and I don’t just mean for seeing. They play an invaluable role in social interaction, and someone’s eyes can add a whole extra layer of depth to a conversation that’s never spoken. Here’s an example:
“Oh, that’s wonderful!” She said.
Now compare that to:
“Oh, that’s wonderful!” She said, eyes brimming with wonder and delight.
Even just imagining it can add so much because we as humans have an innate biological response to eyeballs. We can often judge the sincerity of emotion by checking the eyes, such as when a smile doesn’t reach the eyes, for instance.
So how can you apply this?
Well, the key is to note how often she makes eye contact and what her reaction is to it. The more eye contact, the more you’re holding her attention. That’s always a strong sign that she may be interested in more than just your conversation.
However, this can be overdone. If she stares for long periods of time into your eyes without blinking, then she’s either a sociopath, a vampire, or a lizard, so be careful. Only one of those are sexy, you weirdo.
One last thing about eyes. You often see online claims that pupils dilate when people look at things they love, whether it’s pet owners with their pets, parents with their children, or women with their crushes. I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ll tell you this: If you’re close enough to be checking if her pupils are dilating, you’re on the right track regardless.
2. Touching and Personal Space
Physical closeness is often a sign of emotional closeness. If she touches you, frequently, or otherwise gets in your personal space, she may be interested.
Now get your mind out of the gutter because I don’t mean touching in any sort of perverted way.
Try to notice if she frequently brushes or touches your arm. Maybe she pushes your shoulder playfully. She might even play with your hair. These are all examples of non-sexual or romantic contact that she may be doing because she feels very comfortable around you.
If you notice this, jump on the opportunity. Worst comes to worst; she says no, and you get to confront her about violating your personal space. It’s good to make your position clear on these sorts of things. If she’s isn’t interested, she may not even realize she’s doing it, and you should absolutely tell her that it makes you uncomfortable.
If she isn’t interested, and you want her to keep touching you anyway, you should tell her to stop anyway for the sake of your own dignity.
3. Shielding the Torso, or Not
Since love, lust, and romance are such a primal part of the human experience, nearly all the signs of it can be seen in body language. One sign that’s not so romanticized is torso positioning. The movies make it look obvious, such as when a woman in a tight v-cut shirt leans in real close to the guy she likes, but in the real world, it’s a lot more subtle and unconscious.
The torso is where all the body’s most vital organs are stored, aside from the brain, so it’s a biological instinct to protect it. In social situations, this often manifests as turning away from people we dislike or crossing our arms as a sort of subconscious defence. So if she turns her torso in your direction, without subconsciously “shielding” it with her arms or something she’s holding, it means she thinks positively of you. At least, she doesn’t think of you as a threat, which I suppose is as good a starting point as any.
4. Dressing Up For You
As we guys very well know, girls tend to put a lot more effort into their appearance than we do. So while this doesn’t necessarily mean anything on its own, if she dresses up especially nice when you’re around, she might be putting in the effort for your benefit.
This one does come with a few caveats, however.
First, she may just like dressing up. If she has an interest in fashion or just likes looking nice, her being dressed up nicely is not a signal.
Context matters too. If you’re in school, for instance, how she dresses is going to largely depend on what the school’s policy is towards dress codes. If you’re at an event and dress appropriately, that doesn’t mean much either.
It’s only a signal if you and she participate in an extra-curricular activity, say, going to the library to study on the weekend or meeting up at a club, and she dresses up specifically to the events you and she have in common.
This is an especially hard one to spot since, you know, you can’t know how she dresses when you’re not around since you’re not around, but it’s something to look out for nonetheless.
5. She Tells You
This might seem obvious, but if there’s something we guys are good at, it is being dense when it comes to girls. And if there is anything girls are good at, it’s being obtuse when it comes to letting you know if they like you.
But sometimes, it really is as simple as being told that she likes you and not being thick about it.
I’ll share a personal anecdote from high-school. A girl asked for one of my notebooks during a break period between classes. She wrote in it, “I think you are so cute!”
Now, English wasn’t her first language, so naturally, I began explaining that in English, there’s a romantic connotation to the word “cute” and some such etymological ramblings, and so the sentence had a romantic subtext to it. I said this, straight-faced, while she stared at me with the most confused expression. Needless to say, I did not end up on a date, and the realization afterwards makes me want to disembowel myself to this very day.
So what I’m saying is, all you have to do is be more aware than that, and you’ll be fine.